Are we too busy for our own good?
From the outside, one of the things I very much admired about both the Northern Ontario and rural Ontario mindset is the escape from the big city and the welcome of a slower pace of lifestyle. If you’ve ever driven outside of your city limits, you will begin to see it in the advertising on the signage. Slogans like “a slower pace of life” or “simple ways of living” seem so inviting as an escape of our overworked souls. I remember even about 5 years ago dreaming of how life would be much easier than the fast-paced hustle and bustle of Kitchener-Waterloo, excited to trade RIM’s Blackberry for a Northern Ontario wild blueberry.
Once I moved in, I quickly came to recognize that I was pretty wrong about that one...
Just about wherever you go, you are going to find people. People who are living their lives, trying to survive and keeping busy in a world that is demanding time, energy and attention. Sounds pretty stressful, doesn’t it?
As social scientists, we’ve noticed how this is taking its toll on mental health and relationships. One of most common issues that I see in my work with couples and families is how the handling of interruption can either make or break relational bonds. Take an already stressed couple who is trying to meet the financial obligations of keeping a household, maintaining two demanding careers and maybe add in a boy and a girl between the ages of 8-12. The boy plays hockey and the girl plays baseball, along with other extra-curricular activities. On top of this, mom has to worry about her aging mother with early onset Alzheimer’s and Dad is unhappy with his work because he’s turning 50 and wondering if this is all there is to life. Oh, and they also have the golden retriever who is loveable but is known for doing what dogs do… adding to an already stressed out family.
Ah, the therapist in me is just waiting for the balloon to go pop and for conflict explode out the hole!
So… what does this have to do with inconvenience and it being the secret to relational success?
Regardless of your lifestyle, my hunch is that yes, you might be a bit busier than you really need to be; but more importantly, you will always have your glass overflowing of obligation and stress. The secret to succeeding in this environment might not be making any sort of lifestyle changes but merely hidden in the way you relate to the people around you.
Without going into any further case studies or examples, here are some tips of how you can respond well relationally when we are already living lives that are too busy for our own good…
1. When you come home from work and if your significant other is already home before you are, refuse to look at your phone, television or any sort of distraction for the next 15 minutes. Literally devote the first 15 minutes to the people in your home. Ask them questions. Refuse to talk about yourself and have a list of questions that might spark deeper communication with the people who you love. Inconvenience yourself on purpose before moving into what needs to be done around the house or taking your “zone out time”. By doing so you are communicating that they matter to you.
2. If you are a parent, when they get home from school, bug your kids before they bug you. Be the first to ask them if they need anything from you (within reason) or if they can tell you something that they enjoyed about their day. This is especially important for parents of younger kids as we tend to teach our kids from an early age that they need to wait for parental attention and are often an inconvenience when they assert their needs. To balance this approach, you can also teach them boundaries in this routine by telling them that while they may catch you off guard when you are busy with something, they are important and if they are willing to wait you will give them your full and undivided attention when you are able to (and make sure you can do that within the next 15 minutes!). By doing so you are communicating… yep… you guessed it… that they matter to you.
3. This one is more of an experiment that you can try in the next few days… Live the life you are already living, keep the routine you are already keeping, but pay attention to each time somebody makes any sort of communication with you. The Gottman Institute refers to these as “bids of connection”. And whenever somebody makes a bid, receive the bid. As they reach out to you while you while you are already in the midst of something, allow yourself to be inconvenienced by them. I know that you are a busy person. And I know how important you think are. But they are too, right? Do your best to communicate that... even if it means you are less able to stay focused and on task with whatever it is that you have to do. If you are able to do this, you will communicate to them that… yep… they matter to you!
You will always be busy with something. But that doesn’t mean that the quality of your relationship has to suffer as a result. The key to all of it is the ability to focus and attune with the people around you in a world that is constantly demanding your attention, time and resources. How you respond to inconvenience can be a source of tension and strain in relationship… but it can also be a tremendous opportunity to connect with the people you love and to let them know that they are always worth your time and attention. The way that we respond to inconvenience has the power to either diminish or build up the relational bond that we have with the people around us. So, in light of this, I encourage you to not only be open to inconvenience but invite it into your already busy schedule. It’ll be uncomfortable at first and will pay off relationally in the long run.
Until Next Time,
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