Continuing our previous article on what to expect from your therapist, my hope as you seek out someone to help you on your own journey is that you will be able to identify a competent and capable therapist. The next 5 items are expectations that we may have of a therapist that aren’t necessarily helpful. Being aware of these expectations will help you develop a healthier stance in the therapeutic journey. Please remember that it is not up to you to set these boundaries; but the onus lies on your therapist to communicate them well.
What NOT to expect when you begin seeing a therapist…
1. Don’t expect your therapist to fix your problems
Just as we set some goals during the beginning, we also begin to do some deep soul-searching and behaviour modification. This is hard work! Perhaps one pitfall both therapists and clients stumble in is hoping that the therapy sessions will fix the issues that are identified. When someone comes hoping that I will fix the issue for them, I rarely lay blame on a mother who is at her wits end with her child or a desperate husband who just wants to be told what to do. I simply remind them that the real work is done outside of the session. A motto that many therapists have is “I refuse to work harder than the people who I am working with”. This requires restraint on the side of the therapist but also dedication and a great amount of effort on the client’s part.
2. Don’t expect your therapist to be available outside of sessions
In my previous life as a pastor, I remember being available for my congregants during a family crisis or special events. Kudos to our faith leaders who are often on call when life gets difficult for the people under their care. There are also some therapists who are available to take phone calls for those who may have high needs as well as 24 hour help lines for those times when life is feeling unmanageable. More often than not, however, therapists in agency settings and private practice put their cell phones away or refuse to answer the telephone or email outside of business hours. This boundary is set up for the health of their families and to help them realize that they have many hats in life that cannot be be worn if they are always wearing the therapist hat. Due to the intimate nature of therapy, it is only natural to feel abandoned when a therapist does not answer our call when our life is beginning to crumble. Perhaps an antidote to this issue is to have clear expectations of when to expect your therapist to answer your concern and then to reach out to other resources (9-1-1, community crisis counsellors) when needed.
3. Don’t expect your therapist to be your friend
Another recognition that we can have early in therapy is the role that your therapist has as a professional. A therapist should only take the role of therapist; and not as one of a friend, family member and never a romantic partner (thats reportable behaviour!). Again, the onus is on the therapist to never fall into one of these dual relationships and if one of these dual relationships has already existed, to refer to another therapist when you come to them seeking therapy. The reason behind this is that the clinical judgement of your therapist will become clouded by their dedication to you as a friend or family member. Along these lines, also try not to expect your therapist to divulge much information about themselves. This isn’t because they do not like or nor do they want to share information with you, but that they know what information is clinically appropriate to share and what information is not helpful to the therapeutic relationship.
4. Don’t expect your therapist to read your mind
Many therapists have a certain personality type. They have also learned through their experience how to read subtle non-verbal cues and how to judge vocal tones. Sometimes people feel as if they are meeting with a psychic when they step out of their first therapy session. This may feel especially true with some of our very gifted therapists. Beyond this perceived mystical superpower of mind reading is simply the flexing of normal psychology based on the years of working with people for a living. It is good to choose a therapist who seems to “get” you; but it’s also good to recognize that they really can’t read our minds. If you are hoping for a certain outcome and haven’t clearly identified it, it is important to do so. This will help you avoid disappointment during the 8th or 10th session when you write them a cheque that hits the limit of your extended health benefit plan and that there is still so much work to be done. Instead, pretend your therapist is an idiot (don’t tell them that though!) and let them know exactly how you are feeling or what you are hoping to accomplish with them.
5. Don’t expect your therapeutic relationship to go on forever
Finally, it is good to recognize that your therapist will not be your therapist forever. Although there are some cases that have lived on for years, most therapists will tell you that the average lifespan of a therapeutic relationship is between 8-16 sessions. While the appropriate length of therapy really depends on the issue, we can usually expect that an issue can either be solved or managed within an appropriate time frame. New issues can and often come up resulting in an extension of sessions in the case, however the goal of a therapist is to help their client deal with the issues in their lives in the hope that they will be strong enough to manage life without their therapist on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Ending and saying goodbye is never easy, but perhaps a healthy goodbye to end a therapeutic relationship can lead to new and stronger relationships outside of therapy.
Until Next Time…