Parenting is hard work! As a father of 5 children, I know the struggles of parenthood daily. The nights that seemingly go on forever with little sleep, the never-ending laundry pile, the mountain of dishes that even when you manage to wash them; some magical creature raids the fridge and the dirty dishes suddenly reappear. Add in the psychological mind games that you feel your children are playing on you and you have a recipe for a mental breakdown!
The hard reality is that many parents are just treading water with very little support. Although there are some resources available for parents such as drop-in groups for young moms and government funded programs to help with parenting skills (please ask me for some local resources if you are in the Wellington Region), many parents are still in need of some extra support as they do one of the most important jobs in our society. With this in mind, here are a few words of encouragement and tips to keep you going… even if you feel you are barely moving forward…
It takes a village… I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child”. From a sociological point of view, all human cultures have thrived on the village mentality: a recognition that we are interconnected relationally and have a part in being positive role models for children. From teachers, to community leaders (such as YMCA coaches) to faith leaders, there are a lot of people who are willing to play a role in the development of your children. Some parents feel the burden to be superheroes for their children, insisting that they make sure that their children succeed in all areas of life; sometimes not recognizing that our children have other adults who are willing and capable of playing other roles so that parents can focus on being mothers and fathers instead of teachers, coaches and faith leaders…
Beware of social shame
Another area that a lot of parents feel the pressure in is living up to the unrealistic expectation of perfection. With the rise of social media in the last 15 years, parents have stressed themselves out trying to live up to the persona that they have online. With the plethora of pictures and videos from other supermoms on the internet and the opinions of what other people think you should be doing, if you are not careful you will fall into the rat wheel of trying to live up to the expectations of others. I always caution folks of this game as it never goes well. Shame is a dangerous weapon that makes us feel like we aren’t doing enough or being enough. Be careful of shame because it will make you question if you really are enough or have what it takes. You are and you can. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
You matter to them… more than you will ever realize
I have worked with hundreds of children and teens and have a handful of children and teens in my current practice. An aspect of family therapy that I have always enjoyed is helping parents recognize how important they are to their children and vice versa. Although many families struggle with verbal affection and encouragement, there can be moments (even if they are few) where we can recognize that we as parents really do matter to our kids. The hope is that one day our children will rise up and call us blessed. Until then, I suppose we’ll have to just live in the belief and hope that it will one day happen…
… usually it happens when children become parents themselves….
It’s okay to ask for help
Going along with the village sentiment, parenting well can only happen when we have people who are cheering us on. Unfortunately, many parents are living with the shame that if they reach out and ask for help, they aren’t able to do their job or that they should have become parents (or had more than one child) to begin with. That statement is simply not true and is damaging. Parents are human beings who have communal needs. Parents need to be able to have an identity apart from their children. Parents need to be able to talk about their failures and be encouraged that they aren’t monsters. Parents need the space to vent when it gets rough so they can let go of what they need to in order to effectively manage the household. That’s just plain common sense and yet so many parents have so much inner pain that turns into unresolved grief because they feel that they don’t have anyone to turn to for help.
So listen up parents! It’s okay to ask for help. What’s actually not okay is to struggle alone. Because when we do that, we lose our sanity, our emotional energy and psychologically we begin to burn out.
Parenting is hard work, but most of the good things that we have in life come into being because of the hard work put into it. And hey--- if you are struggling, are feeling stuck and you're looking for someone to talk to, I'm only a phone call or email away...
Until Next Time,