Continuing from the previous article, we come to admit that it is only human to pass along learned behaviour. As mentioned before, the first step towards changing anything is the recognition that something is wrong. The next few paragraphs will focus on maladaptive ways of behaviour and new thought patterns that we can use to address these problematic ways of living in order to “stop the buck”.
1. The Negative Tone One of the most common issues that people find problematic is the negative tone or voice in the back of their minds. When working with depression or anxiety, the first question that I ask a person is when they began to struggle with difficult thought patterns. Most will bring up defining moments of their childhood—a mother, father, family member or teacher; and then will recall a negative event connected to that person. After exploring different events into the present moment, it is quite natural to pause and ask “you know that voice that is telling you that you aren’t worth a whole lot… who’s voice does that remind you of?”
Stopping the buck with the negative tone requires us to uncover the wizard behind the curtain. Too many of us live under the pressure of the people who put unrealistic expectations, usually voiced through the persona of a person whom they wished to please. When it comes to the negative tone, the first step is to address the painful memory and then (over time) to refuse to allow it to have power in our present situation.
2. Responding to Pain or Discomfort Through Violence (Physical or Emotional)
Family violence is another common issue that is passed on from one generation to another. As many families differ on opinions of spanking, most families have a sort of social code around control. When it comes to issues of violence (albeit physical or emotional), control is always the currency being fought over. Young children learn early what the boundaries are on what is accepted and not accepted in the household—and every household varies. When you consider parenting (if you are a parent), it might be helpful to ask what happened the last time you really struggled with your child. Chances are, autonomy and control over a situation was a factor.
The way of responding to this lack of control is most often an attempt to regain the control. This is done by asserting the self. In healthy settings, children will learn that being assertive is a good thing when done properly through words. In unhealthy settings, assertiveness is often taught through a more hands on approach or manipulative language.
Stopping the buck here calls us to again, go back to the early memories of the violence. It’s usually visiting difficult times when we felt powerless in a situation and often were taken advantage of or overlooked. Then comes the more difficult process—allowing ourselves to feel the pain all over again in order to respond to it in a proper way. I usually recommend the aid of a trained professional as all sorts of uncomfortable memories may be unpacked through this process. In the right conditions, we will be able to uncover the source of the pain and then find constructive ways to heal from the hurt that we’ve carried for so long.
3. The Need to Always Be in Control If you have read some of my previous articles, you will know that I am a big believer that control (for the most part) is merely an illusion. There is much in our world that we little control over; and when we get off the rat wheel of trying to be in control, we will have enough energy to live the life that makes us feel fulfilled and happy. The root of anxiety is the need to be in control. If you struggle in this area, you likely relate with the fact that the times when anxiety is the most difficult are times when you have little or no control over the outcomes in front of you. The need to always be in control often stems from the belief that it is up to you to make sure that something (or everything) goes as it should be. Even if the should that we long for never really happens in the first place. This need becomes most problematic in relationships. Issues of unhealthy codependency, manipulative behavior and feelings of abandonment are present when the need to be in control goes into overdrive. Stopping the buck in this area begins with (surprise, surprise!) the recognition (out loud) that you aren’t in control, that the person you love is not in control and the world around you will not always work as it should. As bleak as this outlook sounds, it actually can free you to live outside of the control you thought you needed to have!
4. The Inability to Admit Fault in Front of Others
Another buck that is often passed down the family tree is the inability to admit fault. The root of this branch is an unhealthy sense of shame. Shame happens when we are afraid to show others who we really are. Nakedness is a true exposure of ourselves and intimacy is impossible without nakedness (literally and figuratively, of course!). When we really struggle with this issue, it is often because there was an expectation put on us to perform in some perfectionist manner. Perfectionism is a bad thing. It causes us to think more of ourselves and others and requires us to always live up to a bar that has been set too high. Stopping the buck means living within our limitations of being human. It also means allowing others to see us as less than perfect (scary!) and refusing to let their opinion of us control our behaviour. Perhaps the Canadian way can be the pathway to freedom in this area. Saying sorry… even for the little things…even when we think we are right… can be a good first step in the right direction and can open up a more meaningful dialogue with our loved ones.
5. An Inability to Affirm and Praise Others in a Meaningful Way
Feel like a punching bag yet? Don’t worry, it does get easier. The last “buck” we will address is the inability to affirm and praise others in a meaningful way. Remember that it is only human to pass along the good, the bad and the ugly in our family tree. In Wild and Heart, John Eldredge notes that “every father will wound his son as he was wounded by his father”. It is only natural to have some bumps and bruises throughout childhood. What is not natural or helpful, is responding to those bumps and bruises in a dysfunctional way.
The inability to affirm often finds itself in a history of not being encouraged yourself. Sometimes people grow up with a lot of discouragement where they hear more bad than good about themselves. Other times children just grow up without hearing either.
Parents need to encourage the crap out of their kids! Not to the point where we will tell them that they will one day be an NHL player, but to the point where their kids know that they are good people with good qualities who have a lot to offer society.
Rarely do I find people in my practice who have been encouraged too much. Instead, it’s the adult who has an inner child who has no idea how awesome they are. Stopping the buck begins with a lot of self-affirmation, then verbally asking for the affirmation of the people who love them and then the reciprocal affirmation of the people that they love.
I do hope that you have found this short series helpful. A big part of my work as a therapist is to help people recognize the markers that they have been inflicted with and then to have the courage to take a stand for themselves as well as the people that they love and say “the buck stops here”. For those of you reading and feeling that you would like to process some of these issues through a professional manner, please do not hesitate to email or give me a phone call. A lot of this work is painful at first; but the hope that beckons us from the other side is just too good to lose sight of. Yes—life can actually be that good, if we let it be!
Until Next Time,