If you read through my last article, you will notice that the lives that we live are far from static. An adage, oft attributed to the Greek Philosopher- Heraclitus of Ephesus goes "the only thing that is constant is change". In the stories that we tell, if we are careful enough to notice, you will notice that the events may be set in stone; yet your emotional attachment (and understanding of the events) will continue to evolve through time. This does not mean that we are able to change the past; however, it does change the way we see ourselves in the present moment. With the previous article in mind, here are a few things that you should NOT expect to happen...
Don't expect people to understand
In a perfect marriage, the husband is attuned to his wife's feelings. When she aches, he consoles. When she beckons, he answers. And when she mentions the garbage needs to be taken out, he is already at the curb with the cans and bins. Telepathy would be a miracle if only it were possible. Unfortunately, our world is not taught to attune to subtle ques.
As stated previously, one of the common warnings I give to my clients is to expect the family system to have some resistance to the changes that they implement. For much of the time, I would venture out to believe that this is not because family members or friends are against our motives, but due to a normal human experience called assimilation. When something is uncommon, we will typically do one of two things: we will either associate what is unnatural with a common experience (assume that the change is normal and therefore not really change at all) or if we are unable to assimilate, we will protest what we do not understand. A common (and sad) example of this is when a young man or young woman comes to understand their sexual orientation towards same-sex attraction. For the family system, they may be left scratching their heads. Some may say a phrase like "this is maybe just a phase that she is going through and will snap out of it". Others may take a more hard lined approach such as "if this is true, I will not accept it".
The good news is that through time, people eventually process new information. That is how assimilation usually works. The bad news is that it does take some time. Which leads us to our next insight...
Don't expect the world to change with you (or for you)
Another cognitive pitfall that we may find ourselves in is becoming frustrated with the people around us who seem rigid and unable to change along with us. As a therapist, I see this the most in couple and family therapy. The first person to change is typically the person who instigated it. As the sessions continue, some resistance and a term coined by Viennese psychoanalyst Otto Rank called counter will also presents itself. This is normal in human relationships and many would argue-is needed for healthy growth and change to take place. When we change, something spectacular happens within our own psyche. Assumptions and behaviours that we held onto for so long were shattered and over time, we started dancing to the beat of a different drum. And although we appreciate and understand the rationale behind the change, others have yet to experience the same burning bush.
For many, this can be discouraging-especially when the change is for social causes which hopes to bring about a greater good. My encouragement to those in the midst of change is to make room for misunderstanding and for grace to extend to those who just don't understand and may never change with you. The hardest and loneliest part of this process is accepting the fact that there will be people who may never agree with or support your change. And as hard as it is, when we are able to let go of the expectation that they should change, we are then able to release ourselves from the task of changing them.
Don't expect the worst
My grandfather is an old farmer, pastor and in his own right-therapist, who was changed and inspired by the ground-breaking and pioneering working of Viktor Frankl, and Austrian psychiatrist who is in part, responsible for some of our modern psychotherapeutic techniques and modalities through logotherapy-finding meaning in whatever life throws our way, whether we can change it or not. One phrase he would often say to me growing up was "if you don't hope for the best, you wont be disappointed". And although he would be saying this with a smirk on his face as he instilled so much hope in the people around him, there is some truth to the statement.
The rationale behind this phrase is not that we shouldn't hope. Hope is the lifeline of any relationship and any human being's desire to live. Hope is what drives us to push forward through adversity and to find resilience when there is very little reason to keep going. Hope is essential for life. We dare not abandon hope. What we can abandon however, is the "all or nothing" thinking that life will either be roses and sunshine; or storms and chaos. Perhaps a middle path can be ventured down in regards to change-that the changes that we implement will be hard-but will bring rewards. That the changes that we strive to experience will met with resistance, however we may be surprised at the outcome in due time.
By taking an open-handed stance, we let go of assumptions of how the world should be and accept it for what it is. We also let go of the control... which is a whole other issue. And through this open-handed approach, we are free to experience without expectation. Believe it or not, more than a handful of people who I have worked with had reported a significant and positive change in both mood, perspective and life situation when they are able to learn to walk forward through life with an open hand.
As always, thanks for taking the time to read through these articles. I do hope that they have been helpful on your own journey and I always enjoy when people email me with stories of how applicable they were to their own lives and the lives of their loved ones. Feel free to click the contact button if you would like to continue the conversation via email-even if you aren't seeking my services but just want to say hello. And if you are in the Wellington Area or looking to meet with a psychotherapist over telephone or vide
o, please remember that I am only a phone call or email away.
Until Next Time,