Throughout my years as a helper in roles like pastor, support worker and therapist, I've always noticed and have come to appreciate the different ways that people grieve. Whether it is the loss of a loved one through death, the end of a relationship or even the transition between careers, grief has an interesting way of changing our typical behaviour. Most often, I find that people are uncomfortable with grief because of it's negative affect. In it's infancy, we often find ourselves ruminating, questioning and sometimes swept into waves of strong emotion (like crying and anger). As it develops, so too our ways of managing it. Tools like denial and avoidance can be helpful when we are psychologically and emotionally unable to address the deep chasm in our soul that we feel for a time; however, if used too long, they become maladaptive behaviours which keep us from experiencing all of what life will offer us in our present moment. It also has the ability to rob us from a more positive future. All of us deal with our own grief and loss as we age. In light of this, here are 3 aspects of grief in which we can understand and respond to this uninvited friend in the human experience.
Grief is Like a Rock In Your Shoe...
As we begin to process the loss that we experience, it changes us. Elizabeth Kubler Ross' Five Stages of Grief is an insightful model of the way that we process this journey. When people first come to understand the change that will come in the loss of a loved one, they often experience a state of shock. Believe it or not, the psychological result of losing somebody or something can actually bring on a psycho-somatic reaction. Many people report "feeling like they were hit by a truck" which is quite remarkable as the body responds to the experience much like a physical trauma. As reality sets in, it then begins to change the way we move forward. We think differently, we act in ways we never expected to and even the way in which we speak may change. I often equate this to a rock in a shoe. For some time, we may simply adapt the way that we walk; perhaps stepping lighter on one foot or skipping a few beats every stride. And this may work for a while, however (and unfortunately depending on how you look at it), the next aspect of grief will almost always ring true.
Grief Will Wait For You...
Some time ago, I walked through a difficult valley of my own as I ended a decade long career as a pastor. For a few months, I was living in denial of the grief. The pastorate was a part of my identity that I did not want to give up. My hope was that if I could pretend the negative emotion was not there, I wouldn't have to deal with it and could transition into my next career flawlessly. The only roadblock in my way was the fact that, as an old professor once warned, "grief always waits". It wasn't until I was willing to grieve the death of my old way of life that I would be able to experience the joy of a new one. This is one of many examples which points to the fact that grief is an uninvited friend who will wait at the door until we invite it in. Other examples of grief are psychological wounds which are carried into adulthood that keep us back from experiencing positive emotion, overcompensation for past hurts by keeping a stiff upper lip and deflection of sadness by defaulting into anger. Regardless of the way in which we change our gait, grief will always wait for us. A big part of my work as a psychotherapist is to help people recognize when grief is knocking at the door and inviting it in for a conversation--because as unwelcome as it is in our lives, grief has the capability of being a helpful guest who eventually does go home. Which brings us to the final aspect...
Grief Will Heal You (If You Let It In)
Believe it or not, grief is a good thing. In our society, we do live in a death-phobic era; however we do not have to live in the shadow of sadness forever. I can't count the number of people who have walked through the valley and said on the other side "I do not wish for anyone to experience this, but I am a stronger person because of it". Much like a broken bone which heals stronger after the trauma, the experience of grief does have the ability to aid in our healing like a psychological salve. It stings while we sit in the sadness, as we share our heartbreak with another and pour out our tears; but it also heals us through the experience. I am a firm believer that grief is primarily an intellectual and cognitive event hidden beneath an emotional storm. And once we are willing to talk through our experience, we will then be able to walk through a door into a new reality.
One recommendation that I do strongly make through this process is not to walk through this alone or keep your emotions to yourself. As human beings, we are social creatures who need to experience life events communally. Grief is one of those experiences that we need to share with those around us in order to truly heal. Grief is never welcomed but always appreciated in hindsight. And I don't think it minds being that kind of a healer. If you are reading this article and are in the midst of your own storm, I commend you for reading this far. And as incredibly difficult as it is, I also encourage you to reach out. If you're in the Sudbury region or willing to talk by video, I would be happy to speak with you; and if you're not able to do this but are looking for a companion to walk beside you, feel free to email and ask for a referral as I may have a connection near you who may be able to be of assistance.
Until Next Time,