If you have read my previous articles, you will notice that I tend to see attachment at work everywhere. Relationally, attachment is the air that we breathe. When our relationships are healthy, they serve as a security net in which we can fall into when the world gets difficult as well as a home for which we know we are valued, loved and accepted. When they erode, or are traumatized, our significant attachments with others can be places of grief, anxiety and deflating to our core. My work with both individuals and couples is to help people recognize the need for healthy ways of relating with others, teaching new "dance moves" which are life-giving and refreshing, as well as encouraging the desires and behaviours which build us up. For those of you who are reading and are a bit new to how this whole attachment idea works, here are a few ways in which our relationships can be beneficial to us and ways in which unhealthy attachments can ruin us.
When our Significant Relationships are Healthy...
Our overall physical health improves.
Numerous studies have suggested that those in significant relationships which were rated moderate to high in satisfaction improve both the quality of life but also the quantity of years that we spend on this earth (click here for one of those studies). As our developed world is becoming informed about the implications of mental health causing physical issues, more and more health care plans are allowing psychotherapy to be covered as a health expense. The reasoning behind this is that the more emotionally healthy we are, the more physically healthy we can become. Other studies show the correlation between decreased heart attack and stroke to satisfaction in marriages. Case and point: happiness is fertile gound for healthiness.
We feel ready to take on new and exciting endeavours
When children feel safe in their primary relationships (caregivers) they are more apt to go and discover the world around them. As they grow into well-adjusted adults, they often find others to bond with and continue the same behavior. Although we don't like to make the connection between our moms and wives/fathers and husbands; there is a psychological similarity to the manner in which we relate. For couples who rate moderate to high satisfaction in their relationships, they are able to try out new ways of relating to others and trying new things in life because they know that the people who love them are cheering them on.
We are more emotionally available to others in our lives
I'm a firm believer that we give out of the overflow of our hearts. Although we live in a highly individualistic culture, I find that there is still a high desire for contribution to society for many Canadians. Whether you are in the workplace, a social club, a spiritual gathering or a group of friends; when you know that your primary relationships are safe and secure, reaching out and helping others just feels natural.
We develop a more positive outlook on life
This one tends to go hand in hand with the others, but when we feel safe and secure in our primary relationships--we feel safe and secure in the world which we live in. Although perspective is a matter of what you decide to focus on, knowing that the sky is not falling in your relationship is a helpful in allowing you to keep looking up. When our inner world is a place of harmony, peace and the people living there are encouraging and available to us, it allows us to know that the same could be true elsewhere. This gives us the energy to withstand more stress at work, at school and in other areas of life.
When our Significant Relationships are Unhealthy...
On the other hand, when the attachment relationships that we have are places of resentment, grief and stress, here are ways in which they can be of negative outcome (without going into too much detail).
We cut years from our overall lifespan and we tend to get physically sick more often.
We feel trapped and selfish for trying new things... so we don't.
We lack the energy to give--even when we want to.
Dissatisfaction erodes other areas of our lives and we begin to lose hope.
Although the above list seems abysmal to say the least, I am a firm believer that hope is the trump card which turns the world into a better place. Amid a difficult situation or relationship, it may seem easier to throw in the towel; when in reality--most relationships develop qualities of both healthy and unhealthy ways of relating. The trick is to recognize when things are going off course and correcting them when appropriate. In my work with people, I've had the privilege of witnessing unhealthy relationships grow into vibrant and life-giving bonds; as well as the deep sorrow of walking people through the dark valley of loneliness. Regardless of the path, it is always good to have someone to walk with.
If you are reading this and feeling the need to reach out to someone, I encourage you to do so. Being open and honest with the people around you; to share both your joy and your sorrow is at the heart of what it means to be human. Feel free to share this article with the people in our life as a conversation starter to encourage relational growth together. And if you're ever in the Sudbury region and are looking to connect with a therapist, please know that I'm only a phone call or email away.
Until next time,