You likely won't be surprised to find that one of the most common issues couples have today is over mobile device use. Since the launch of the Blackberry, mobile devices have become a common feature in our homes; with many families today deciding to drop the family landline as they pick up the personal cell phone. In my Graduate studies, the focus of a research study which I conducted was on the relationship that people had with their mobile devices. The findings of this study were that mobile device use had both a positive and negative impact on relationships and that with careful use, this technology can be used to enhance relationships (literally) across the globe. The following are a few tips for couples of how to navigate the love/hate relationship with the mobile device:
1. Be Transparent with Your Content.
For couples, this decision can be a game changer when it comes to problems with mobile device use. Many people express that they feel as if they are in the dark regarding what their partner is doing in cyberspace. One unfortunate aspect of mobile devices is that the very tool that was created to connect people has become a way to disconnect, as we can keep sensitive information from being read through password protection. With couples, I often suggest allowing partners to know passwords to social media and email accounts and to have a "check any time" rule. Though workplace policies may be of a hindrance to this plan, by choosing to become as transparent as possible with your mate, you are telling them that you trust them and that they can trust you. One of the striking findings that I am coming to is that after allowing the mobile device to become an open book, many folks become less interested in their partner's mobile device as the trust factor grows. The higher the trust factor is, the deeper the connection becomes and the satisfaction in the relationship grows strong.
2. Be Mindful of Overuse
A large amount of articles in magazines and online will speak about the digital addiction to electronics. Although I am careful with the use of the word addiction, as I agree with some writers that the term "overuse" is more appropriate. For some, a mobile device does give have the ability to become an escape, as scrolling through Facebook feeds and video games becomes a way to soothe a busy mind. In my work with couples, I find this topic is common fodder for discourse. Rarely is it the main reason why couples will come into my office, however, the overuse of the mobile device compounds the distress that a couple may be facing. There are a few apps that are designed to track your mobile device use and even limit time spent, yet I find that if a person is determined to use, there is no stopping them through outside intervention. My suggestion is to be willing to talk with your mate about appropriate and inappropriate use. Sometimes it is best to keep the phone away from the living room, off the dinner table and definitely out the bedroom. A simple gesture of intentionally putting the phone out of sight during important times of connection can go a long way in the romance department!
3. Use as Directed
One of the most common pushbacks that I hear against having "rules" about mobile device use is the business factor. When the Blackberry became popular, it was most often used for business purposes. Organizations would often give "the company phone" to their employees, with the intention of being able to contact their employees on their own time in order to increase productivity. If you are in this kind of a profession, you may not be able to put the phone away always. In these situations, I find a "use as directed" approach is most appropriate. If the mobile device is intended for business: keep video games, personal email and social media off of the device! By doing this, you are likely to keep your work and home life a little bit more separate and allow your focus to be on your relationship as much as possible.
4. Send Love Notes through Cyberspace
One surprising conclusion that I came to in my studies on mobile device use was that although these pesky little pieces do can become problematic, they can also enhance the attachment between couples. I was most surprised by a study conducted in South Korea where users would be stuck for hours in traffic. The positive outcome of mobile device use here was that although people would be absent in physically, they were present psychologically through the use of technology. In our neck of the woods (and even here in Sudbury where you are likely to hit a bear if you are texting and driving), mobile devices can be used to enhance relationships as couples can send love notes and other items which will remain unmentioned for the sake of my younger readers. In other words: break a few rules at work by a moment of stealing time to express your undying love for your partner. Sure, it might feel naughty; but that might be just what the love doctor ordered!
Although not an exhaustive list, these are just a few ways in which we can use mobile devices to our relational advantage in an increasingly authentic-connection starved world. I do hope that this article can be of help to you or others as you continue to look to ways of growing in your relationships. And if you are ever in the Sudbury Area (or beyond) and are looking to connect with a therapist, I'm only a phone call or email away. Until Next Time,