There is a saying about parenting: that when children are small they are a headache and as they grow older, the headaches turn into heart-aches. In my pastoral work in the past, I noticed this to be especially true when I worked with parents of teenagers. And as a father of five, I can relate to both the headaches and heartaches of raising a family. When they are toddlers, I just want them to follow my direction. And as they age, I just want them to consider my fatherly advice!
In my own practice, I regularly receive phone calls from family members and friends who wish to help their loved ones. I commend them for reaching out to me as a therapist, as this is not the first step but more likely the tenth or twentieth in helping their friend or family member with the issues that they may be facing. From an emotional and psychological standpoint, it takes a significant amount of energy to be a support to a person who is hurting; and even more energy to mindfully and carefully walk the path of not allowing the problems of others to become your own issue. A lot of buzz words come into play, with codependency being one of the biggest.
A good resource for those who are stuck in the messiness of helping others is Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. In this book, the author defines codependency as "letting another person's behavior control him or her, who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior". In my career of helping others, I have noticed codependency developing a poor reputation; while many helpers in this field would attest to the fact that there are only two types of relationships: ones that have a healthy sense of codependency and those who have an unhealthy sense of codependency.
If you are in the midst of helping a friend or family member with an issue, I want to encourage you as you are a part of their path to wholeness. I encourage you to be strong for them but to also recognize that there will be times when you will also need support for yourself. If you have yet to, please consider picking up a few resources like this book listed above. Also recognize that you can only do so much. The therapeutic magic happens when you are able to be available to and stay within your own limitations. You are not superman or superwoman, super mom or super dad. You are only a fellow human being on this messy journey that we call life. And lastly, if you are ever in the Sudbury region or wishing to reach out by video or by telephone and you're looking to connect with a therapist or counsellor to consult with or talk over some of your own issues surrounding the issues of others, please reach out and know that I am only a phone call and email away.
Until Next Time,