In my previous two articles, you will notice that I have given different examples of common struggles that people wrestle with from time to time. Although each situation requires a different approach, the need for connection arises as the different roads seem to lead to the same destination. The final story is of a couple who is nearing what could be the end of their marriage, however, as you will read on, there is hope that this will be an area of growth for the marriage where there is an opportunity to reconnect after a peroid of silence. Jane and Heath
Jane and Heath have found themselves in a bit of a rut. After being together for 14 years, they both feel as if the spark has got up and walked out on the relationship. When asked about the last time that they had fought, both can't give a definite event but do know that when the relationship was young, they had fought all the time. Heath then recounts an event 2 years ago where Jane slapped him across the face because Heath began to yell at her. As a result of this incident, the fights which were often explosive became implosive. Instead of reaching out to hurt each other, both parties resolved be civil. Although it seemed like the best way to move forward at the time, but now both Jane and Heath feel alone in the relationship and wonder if there is any point to continuing on together.
Approach: Emotionally Focused Therapy Emotionally Focused Therapy (or EFT) is an attachment based couples therapy which focuses on establishing emotional security in order to manage problems within couple relationships. The first few steps in this therapy involves the identification of what Sue Johnson calls: "the negative cycle" or dance that every couple finds themselves in at some point. For Jane and Heath, they have found themselves in the freeze and flee dance: where whenever a tension arises, both parties decide to be civil and not respond at all. This kind of dance is one of the deadliest of all dances for a relationship, because when both parties decide to withdraw from a relationship; the life begins to dwindle out of love's chemistry. Through the lens of EFT, the worst trap for a couple to fall into is silence. Though this couple may feel as if they would be better off remaining civil instead of beating a dead horse through constant arguments, hiding their emotional availability behind a cold veneer only serves Heath and Jane as an act of neglect. The silence only furthers the emotional disengagement of the couple. On the outside, it may seem that they have chosen a healthier stance than the dance that keeps the neighbours awake at night (and not in a good way), what is really happening is a co-habituative agreement where a couple is physically present, but psychologically absent.
For Jane and Heath, the key to reconnecting is to start somewhere, even if it begins with heated arguments. And to be clear, I would never advocate for staying in a relationship which permitted the abuse of either party; but having agreed upon ground rules in place which allows couples to take a break when the heat turns on (in a bad way) can be beneficial and can keep the argument from escalading to either party lashing out physically. From here, the key to salvaging this relationship depends on each party opening up about their hurts (past and present) in order to allow the other to come and heal the wound. In other words, both Jane and Heath need to recognize their emotional needs and to call on each other to come close and fill the need that has gone unmet for some time.
Like all couples therapy, success happens slow and growth happens in it's own time. But the silver-lining in this story is that because Jane and Heath have the option of trying to make it work, they likely will have some success along the way. Though they do have their work cut out for them, John Gottman (author of The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work) would say that it ain't over till it's over.
If you have managed to stay with me through this three-part series, I would like to thank you for making the electronic trek with me. As you can see through each article, regardless of what each person had been struggling with, the source of healing and hope that they all seemed to have was deeply rooted in the people around them. As a psychotherapist, I am a firm believer that we humans are social creatures before any other kind of animal. Although we may have different personality styles, tastes and even ways of operating in the world, we all have the same need: meaningful and life-giving connection.
I do hope that this series has been helpful for you and of interest for the people in your own social circle. Feel free to share any of my articles with the people who you care about who may also find the information useful in their journey. And if you are ever in the Sudbury area and are looking to connect with a therapist, please know that I'm only a phone call or email away.
Until Next Time,