Grey's Anatomy is a Seattle-based hospital drama which primarily follows the storyline of Meredith Grey: a surgeon who's mother revolutionized a teaching hospital yet left a young woman (Meredith) in dire need for value, affirmation and secure attachment-which she then seeks out through professional and personal achievement. The weeknight drama unfolds as Meredith continues to advance in her professional career as a doctor, kindles a hot button romance with "McDreamy" and is entangled in other raunchy side-plots which aren't age appropriate for my young children. Throughout the bulk of the airing, Meredith develops a close friendship with a best friend (Christina) where the two refer to each other as their "person". Humoursly, it is not uncommon through the show for McDreamy to roll over in bed to discover that Meredith's person had snuck into the bedroom and is lying between the two and had been there for quite some time.
I won't get into much more of the story, but I do find curiosity in the way Meredith develops relationships throughout the drama. Witnessing the story through the lens of the attachment theory of John Bowlby (a British psychiatrist), brings the show to a whole new psychological level. Meredith seems to thrive emotionally by supporting and receiving love from others when she is in a healthy relationship with Christina
and McDreamy; yet acts and reacts irrationally later in the seasons when her primary attachment bonds are stripped from her (spoiler alert!).
I suppose the weeknight drama is a bit far-fetched for most normal lives, however I also find that the themes of attachment and adult love which are acted on the small screen often play out in real life scenarios.
The question of "are you my person?" is one that we all ask from a very young age. When Bowlby began his research on what many forms of couple therapies base their philosophy on, he was almost laughed out of his profession. The main consensus at the time was that well adapted adults who contribute to society are developed by teaching a sense of independence and autonomy; not by spoiling children with too much attention. When young children were to reach out in the 1950s and 1960s, parents were instructed to redirect the attention to a child's own self-sufficiency... allowing them to stand on their own two feet. By coddling the child, parents were considered to be irresponsible. Bowlby, however, advocated the opposite. His theory was that it is human nature to depend on others for security in the world and that the more secure that we are in our primary relationships (first with parents, then with friends and significant others) the more secure we would feel in our own identity and the more comfortable we would be in taking risks and trying new things.
Throughout my work with couples and individuals, I find that this attachment drama plays a significant role in real-life situations. In the past, I had received phone calls from people struggling with anxiety or depression and then as the therapy progresses, we observed how attachment relationships played out in either a positive or (more often) in a negative way. For couples, I find that much of the time, the distress comes from two people who can't seem to be able to get along for various reasons; yet as the sessions continue, the main theme of connection (and the need to feel safe in the relationship) will emerge. The hope and work with both couples and individuals is to identify and create areas of safe connection, use them to their advantage and then continue in their strength in new ways of relating with each other and the world around them.
Regardless if you are attached romantically or not, I do believe it is imperative to be able to ask the people around you "are you my person?" and that you can also answer the same question for the people who are attached to you.
It's normal.
It's human.
And yes, it is a fundamental way in which we relate to others in good mental health. Until next time,