March: the month that comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. Here in the northern hemisphere, I've noticed that as the temperature begins to warm up from a long and cold winter, you can count on old man winter to never go down without a fight. The same can be said about our emotions in any relationship. When I sit down with clients, we often reflect on emotional seasons-- how they come, how they stay and how they leave. I find that one of the biggest difficulties that we all face is the desire to be in control our emotions. To an extent, I do believe it is possible to keep our emotions in check. Completely controlling them, on the other hand, is simply outside of the scope of human possibility. In every relationship, you are bound to experience some degree of conflict. The difference, however, is the extent of your love and affection for the other person. The more you love someone, the deeper you will allow your emotions to affect you; both positively and negatively.
Consider the next few paragraphs as rain gear to keep in your emotional toolbox. Three questions to look for (and to answer) which will be help you to either "ready or repair the roof" as the emotional storm comes crashing through. I find that these commonly asked (usually non-verbal) questions come up in forms of negative statements, angry protests and fearful laments. And as you become better at recognizing them, be sure to remember that underneath the emotional storm is a thought or belief-- rooted in the deep desire to love and be loved.
Question Number 1: Do you still love me? Perhaps the most common desire in relationships is the affirmation that one is both loved and desired. The downside to this desire is the fear that the relational bid will not be reciprocated and the deep attachment need for affirmation will go unmet. Dr. Larry Crabb's work is known for highlighting these relational desires to be cherished and to have significance in the eyes of the other. As these needs continue unmet, emotional protests may run high in hopes to bring these needs to the forefront so that the other may be able to attend to them. George and Grace have been married for 20 years and have been experiencing resentment on both sides. George feels that Grace thinks very little of his accomplishments and often feels that she criticizes his lack of advancement in his profession.
Grace, on the other hand, feels that George has lost his "spark" for her. When he gets home, he seems to be lost in his world of social media. She feels overlooked, undervalued and that George gets excited about everything but her.
The two of them have fought over these issues for years and have sadly withdrawn on both sides. The Remedy: Connection through Affirmation.
The two are at a stand-still and without any sort of intervention, they feel that they will continue to be in a lifeless marriage. The sad irony in all of this is that George thinks the world of his wife but always feels insignificant to her; while Grace respects her husband more than anyone else in the world. She just wants to him say that he feels the same for her. Both of them have the same need for affirmation which is met through different avenues (significance and security). If both of them can get to the deep issue of being loved, valued, cherished and "number one in the eyes of the other", a reconnection after the silent storm is more than attainable!
Question Number 2: Do you know me? Another deep desire of the soul is to know and be known. In the Christian Bible, we often see this phrase used when Old Testament writers wanted to state that their character really connected with another. After being banished from the garden of Eden where the man blames the woman for eating the fruit, blame is thrown between the two. The writer of Genesis then writes about a reconnection: Adam then knowing his wife and Eve conceiving a child.
Although we don't get to see it in the biblical text, I am sure that Adam had a whole lot of apologizing to do before Eve would even give him the light of day, let alone in the bedroom!
In today's world, we often find this question arise in an argument, after a disagreement or misunderstanding. A great example of this is when people cohabitate together as roommates. Take Shelly and Tina as an example. The two sisters moved into their own apartment while attending university. Shelly tends to go to bed at 10:30 PM as she works a dayshift at McDonald's, while Tina is a social butterfly who stays out until 1:00 AM on weekends. One Friday night, Tina has a few friends over who break out the wine and get to giggling. About 3 days later, Tina begins to wonder why Shelly has been avoiding her. Both feel that they have done no wrong and are just being themselves.
The Remedy: Connection through Consideration
Perhaps it may come easier for Canadians, but saying "sorry" is often a good way to begin a re-attempt for connection. The truth is, both sisters will not come to a change in personality style, but they can at least consider each other's way of life. I am a firm believer that opposites attract and compliment, but it takes a whole lot of consideration (and compromise) to make it happen. One of the greatest ways of saying "I love you" is by putting the other first and being proactive upon their wishes and desires. For both Tina and Shelly, they will need to both consider each other's point of view and find a way to appreciate the other for who they really are.
Question Number 3: Are you here for me?
This question is often brought up in the form of a statement which portrays the exact opposite of what is being said. Of all the relational needs, this one tends to take more of a "high-stakes" or extreme situation. One final example: Tracy is a 13-year-old who is consistently angry and accusational of her mother. One night after a 10 minute back and forth of the emotional tennis ball over her school grades, Tracy tells her mom that she wishes that her mom would just die and as she throws a plate across the room at her. She then storms off into her room leaving her mother beside herself and on the verge of tears. The Remedy: Connection Through Presence Obviously anything said in the moment is not going to help, so her mom wisely decides to let her daughter cool off. After about 3 hours, her mom softly apologizes for the mis-approaching the conversation and assures her daughter than regardless of her ability in academia, she will always be proud of her. Tracy seems to accept the apology explains how she is struggling with her social life. The storm begins to dissipate and the two parties reconnect through tears. Still with me? With each of these scenarios, you will notice that they all could have been avoided. I suppose that this is the way it is with most of our problems, but I'm not sure if this is the way in which we should be living our relationships out.
If we live in fear that we might step on a relational landmine or that the other shoe could drop at any moment, I think we are bound for anxious turmoil. Instead, I think a better approach would be to know that life will get messy, that everyone will be disappointed and that regardless of the storm, a connection can be foraged again through affirmation, consideration and just being there when life gets tough.
In fact, I find that the couples who love each other passionately fight just as passionately-- swear words and all!
The trick in all of this is to find safety and security in the relationship so that regardless of what we throw into the fan, we know that love will always have the final word.
If any of this is helpful for you, I'm happy that you can apply it to your relationships and to your overall sense of emotional wellness. And if you're ever in the Wellington or Mapleton area and are looking to speak with a therapist or counsellor, please do not hesitate to reach out. I'm only a phone call or email away.
Until Next Time,