As we approach the third week of January, many well-wishers and resolvers are beginning to lose sight of their dreams of what the future would look like before the dawn of the new year. "Experts" often say that it takes about 3 weeks to break a habit, although the accuracy of the phrase does come into question. Regardless, in my practice of helping people through a behavioral approach, here are a few tips which I often recommend in continuing "the new you" as you attempt to form a new way of relating and being:
Understand the Progression. Figuring out why we do what we do is one of the first steps towards changing behaviour. By using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I often map out the progression with people in my office through this order:
Thought -> Emotion -> Action -> Reflection -> Decision -> Continued or Discontinued Behaviour.
Here is a scenerio of what this progression may look like: Frank has been smoking for the past 3 years. He wants to quit, but has developed an addiction to nicotine. His initial thought when he craved a cigarette may have been "I need to smoke". He then experiences anxiety (emotion) because at the present moment, he is not smoking the cigarette. At this point, Frank has two options: to continue smoking or to choose not to smoke. Frank chooses to get out of the house and to go for a 5-minute walk instead of smoking his usual cigarette (action). After returning to his home, Frank reflects on this experience. For him, it was a useful diversion because he chose not to smoke. He reflects on his anxiety and realizes that it has decreased in intensity. Frank then makes the decision that he will continue to go for a walk during the times which he would normally take a smoke break. Instead of smoking, Frank has now taken up a new hobby (behaviour). Good Job Frank!
Let Others In On Your Transformation. Michael White calls this "building an audience for change". Through the use of Narrative Therapy, we look at our lives as a story in which we are the main character. The people around us, like family and friends, are then recruited as the audience as well as partakers of this story as we live our lives. If they truly are people whom we care about (and vice versa), we will let them know the details of the story. Lets take another look Frank's example... Perhaps Frank has some friends who also smoke cigarettes. Frank has decided that he wants to quit smoking because he wishes to better his health. Frank then tells his friends about his wishes. At this point, his friends are impressed by Frank's motivation and they agree not to offer Frank any more cigarettes. They also agree that they will not invite Frank to join them when they leave the office which they all work at, as well as to respect why Frank will no longer joining them. 2 weeks later, Terri (whom Frank has admired for 4 months) now wishes to join Frank during his walks. Not only has Frank enlisted a group of people to encourage him on his journey to quit smoking, he now has a new friend who will join him in his transformation to becoming the "New Frank".
Dance Awkwardly and Have Some Grace. When making an attempt to try something new, it is also important to recognize that change does not come easily and will take some time. If habits were formed overnight, I suppose we would not have as many self-help books sold at Chapters or other local bookstores. My best advice for those trying something new is to keep trying, even when it doesn't come naturally. Many people will give up on a new way of behaving because it does not feel natural. But the only way to becoming a master at anything is to begin as a novice.
When it comes to trying new behaviors, you may feel as if you are faking. Even those around you may be voices of discouragement. Unfortunately, some family members or close friends may be so used to your old behavior (as destructive as it could have been) as being the safe and normal thing for them. In fact, if you choose to dance the awkward dance, they may even feel out of place standing beside you or could even be tempted to tap their feet to your untimely tune! My advice is to keep at it, even when it feels like you are a hippopotamus preforming a limber waltz. Through time, the new will become same-old and you will be on your way to becoming the version of yourself that you had always longed to be. And if you're ever in the Sudbury area and are looking for someone to help you along the way through counselling or psychotherapy services, please give me a shout.
Until Next Time,